It’s so easy for the current reality of Ukraine’s destruction to quickly fade from thoughts. The world moves on. And though we are determined to be as present and as joy-filled as we can for this precious girl of ours, lives are still being lost every day in Ukraine. So we still look for ways to help where we can, while being present where we are.
One way I learned of helping is about Ukrainian kids. It’s from a Ukrainian friend (who I deeply trust) who lives here in Estonia:
Now. On to this week in the life of Eloise.
Tooth pain (and not eating) is back with a fury
While just a few weeks ago Brian and I would be overly exhausted from her constant fussyness and not eating and struggling to nap many of the days, we were okay.
Why were we okay? Honestly, Brian’s 3-day cabin retreat did SO much to restore his mental health and capacity. That time away helped him recharge his batteries and come back feeling ready to take on more teething pain. I’m feeling so thankful. (I wish all parents could or would figure out how to take a few days away every few months or so, it may help the whole family.)
So little Eloise is struggling with 3 teeth coming in now. And, as I’m learning, apparently teething pain can actually be a lot worse with kids like Eloise who are unable to handle much more than thick puree. Something about the actual chewing normal food apparently helps with the pain. So I thought it might be a good time to start trying to give her food we know she will never actually be able to eat, but may help in the long run. Like carrots. Let’s see. 😅
BUT!
No seizures this week. Grateful for that. Who knows how long this “mostly not having seizures” period will last.
De-cluttering our lives is more than just stuff
I’m still going strong in the minimalism weekly group (only one more meeting, sadly). But it’s been more than just getting rid of “stuff.” One of the things I came across during the challenges was a video on brain dopamine detox.
What does that mean?
The video explained that our phones, mostly, have re-programmed our brains to become addicted to the chemical dopamine, which we get any time we scroll through social media or youtube videos or see a message response, etc. Which then means we struggle a lot more to do anything that doesn’t give us a dopamine response — like most everything else in life. 😅 The short video on dopamine detox talks about how that chemical process happens in our brains, and then some solutions to help.
After watching that video, I’ve started changing some things up.
- On Mondays, the days I’ve been doing heavy decluttering, I try to ignore my phone as much as possible. I leave it on a charger somewhere else in the house and just get stuff done. And if someone writes me a message somewhere, I try to ignore it — at least until the end of the day.
- At night, I leave my phone outside of the bedroom to charge so that I don’t get tempted to scroll through social media or news for who knows how long before I go to sleep or when I wake up in the middle of the night to pump.
- During the days, I try to, as much as I’m remembering, leave my phone on a surface that is not next to me. So I can be more present with hanging out with Eloise or whatever task I’m doing.
It’s so weird and wonderful how it feels like using my phone just a little bit less has already given me so much more time back.
I want to do more, though. So if anyone reading this knows of an app that can actually track long-term how much I use my phone (unfortunately the iPhone only shows you this week and the previous week, but I want to see much more longterm usage patterns) I’d love to know. Because I want to keep track of it over time and make sure that time is decreasing.
Speaking of trying to reduce phone usage for Eloise
My normal routine is that I listen to my WhatsApp audio messages in the morning as I feed Eloise her bottle. Then I can focus visually on Miss E while getting caught up on audio messages of what happened the previous day/night. But on one of those days this last week, I ended up having more text messages than audio messages so I had to look at my phone and scroll rather than set it on a surface and listen. Brian came around the corner while I was holding Eloise and looking at my phone.
“Hey. I don’t mean this as a criticism, but it seems like every time I’ve look over at you and Eloise today, you’re scrolling on your phone. Are you sure you’re present with her?”
I quickly snapped back a reply at Brian that was not nice. Some justification of how it was only a moment, how I rarely do it. Yada yada yada. Probably something with the undertones of “How dare you question my parenting, JERK!”
I can’t say I was fully satisfied with how I acted in that interaction. 😬😅 So when Eloise took her nap a few hours later I approached Brian.
“Hey. When you were talking to me about being on my cellphone, what I heard was, ‘You’re a bad mom.’ And then I responded to you unkindly — which is not okay. Even though I heard something different from what you ACTUALLY said, it doesn’t excuse how I acted. And you’re right, we both want to be as present for Eloise as we can when we’re with her, which means minimizing the amount we’re on our phones while we’re with her. However, clearly, I’m acting defensive if you call me out on using my phone while I’m with Eloise. So I’d like to brainstorm ways you can approach me that help me remember ‘Oh! Yes! I should put down my phone!’ in a way that helps me not be defensive. Like, maybe you show me a picture of a little kitten or we have a code word like ‘Purple penguin’ or just SOMETHING that helps me receive things right.”
Even though Eloise doesn’t seem to take in much of the world visually — that’s no excuse for being on my phone all the time. I want to be present. Brian and I both want to be present.
We agreed. We will hopefully find a way forward so that we can both help one another point out phone use with Eloise without feeling defensive. Or maybe me just noticing how I reacted will help me not be defensive if Brian points it out again. Let’s see what happens.
Learning parenting skills from a physiotherapist
One of the three physiotherapists that see Eloise came over this week. It was probably one of Eloise’s most crying-filled session she’s had in awhile, so I can’t say it went great.
But.
I overheard something that warmed my heart. Eloise was crying — because physiotherapy is hard, friends — and the therapist said, “You can cry. You can have those feelings, it makes total sense that you would feel upset, this is hard work. You’re crying because this is the only way to communicate that something hurts — thank you for telling me.”
And my heart soared. I think, as parents, especially when we feel overwhelmed, our automatic reaction is to say to a crying kid, “You’re okay.” or “Don’t cry.” When we say things like that, we’re actually telling them in some way, “Hey, those feelings you’re having? You need to NOT have them because they are bad.” We don’t realize that we are trying to make a kid happy so that WE feel better. And then we create kids who don’t know how to process their emotions because they’ve learned to hide them rather than feel them.
The therapist went on to talk with us later, saying that as long as we don’t feel overwhelmed by her upset, eventually she will likely also feel less and less upset, because her little brain will learn it’s okay.
I’m hoping that this great life lesson the physiotherapist accidentally taught us will stick. And that if Eloise is feeling big emotions, that I can let her have them — rather than trying to get rid of them. What a gift!
And, on the development front, the therapist said she thinks that, optimistically, Eloise might be able to sit independently by the end of Spring. 🙊 That feels way too good to be true. I’m thinking more like end of summer or end of autumn. But let’s see if she’s right.
Anyway, on to this week’s @eloisethetinyfighter instagram recap for how this week was for our little Miss E:
Mom loves Eloise.
Dad loves Eloise.
Grandma xx loves Eloise.
Grandpa xx loves Eloise.
Aunt xx loves Eloise.
Cousin xx loves Eloise.
Friend xx loves Eloise.
The list goes on.
And, as I softly say these names to her over and over, her little body often gets still, her breathing longer, and her eyes shut. And this little kid falls asleep to the sound of how loved she is. ❤️❤️
This week’s Taulbee decluttering? Books and papers.
Specifically, MY books and papers. In December, Brian and I went through our books for a first pass and got rid of a lot. But the minimalism course had books/papers as the second category to go through.
I thought, “How in the world will I get rid of any more than I already got rid of?”
But I did it! After the December declutter and the one from this week, I think I’ve gotten rid of maybe 60-70% of my books and papers.
There were 3 questions they brought up in class that really helped:
- Am I really ever going to read this again — or EVER? (If maybe, can I find the info online? Or can I replace it easily and cheaply?)
- Does this info help me become the person I want to be?
- Does it bring me joy?
If I answered “no”, then I decided to happily and joyful try to find a new owner for it. Gosh it feels great. (Now I just have a growing mountain of stuff to photograph and sell. Sigh. 😒 That feels a bit overwhelming.)
Plus, I also learned that there’s a pretty good English section at a local library in Tallinn. Enough fiction books to keep me entertained for years. And quite a few children’s books. So I brought home a stack after my first visit. 🤗
What a great idea that I somehow forgot — I can borrow things instead of buy.
Still learning how to live life.
All our love,
Mallory, Brian, and Eloise
Eloise The Tiny Fighter 
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