Sometime during my years growing from a child into an adult, I internalized the idea that I was never doing enough. Besides that — I decided back then — whatever I did do was never good enough.
If I had a school project, it couldn’t just be “good enough,” it needed to be over-the-top amazing. If I made a painting it couldn’t just be “fine,” it needed to wow everyone. If I accomplished 30 tasks in an hour, I’d kick myself it wasn’t 50.
Call it perfectionism. Call it overachievement. Call it self-punishment. Whatever you call it, though, it wasn’t — and still isn’t — healthy.
My fear of becoming “that kind of mom”
I’ve known this has been a problem — my problem — for years. I think my time in University was when I realized how unhealthy it really was. I pushed myself to do more and better though, by that time, no one had these expectations of me except for, well, me.
As life went on, I still carried this unhealthiness with me. And, as Brian and I talked more and more about our hopes to have kids someday, I realized I was fearful I’d pass my same high expectations on to our child. As our pregnancy with Eloise became a reality in late 2020, I was terrified I’d someday push my daughter to perfom just like I pushed myself.
I had nightmares of me googling when average kids hit their milestones and then worrying she wasn’t hitting them even earlier.
I imagined scenarios in which she broke a precious dish from my grandma and then I screamed at her for making me upset.
I saw visions of her bringing home less than perfect marks from school and me feeling ashamed she wasn’t doing better.
I had daydreams of finding her eating sugar or playing on my phone and feeling rage because she’d ruined her diet and was getting addicted to screens.
Motherhood really arrived
Then, as you probably already know, Eloise was born. And my introduction to motherhood was nothing like I’d expected. In addition to a tough start in the hospital after her birth, we learned a little over a month later that she’d never be “normal.” The best we can hope for is that Eloise will eventually reach the developmental age of a 12-month-old.
At first, when we learned about Eloise’s chromosome deletion in March of 2021, I was devastated. I was already on mental and emotional overload from birth trauma and a flood of hormones and the stress of fulltime pumping and the overwhelm of a child with feeding issues and a lot of food intolerances.
Then, all I could see was the life she wouldn’t live. The life we wouldn’t live. The adult she wouldn’t become. The parents we wouldn’t be.
The grief was blinding — it was all I could see.
An amazing surprise
But, while I wasn’t paying attention over Eloise’s first many months, something wonderful happened.
On her first birthday, while I was praying, I realized in that moment of silence and contemplation something incredible — I’d been given a great gift.
My intro to motherhood was Eloise, a special child whose future would be unlike anything I’d imagined. And, because of that, I cannot push her to live up to my expectations because, in many ways, I no longer have expectations. Because I really don’t know what her future will be like.
Which means I won’t pass on to her that dreaded issue of mine — judging her by how well she performs. I won’t become that mom I was so afraid of becoming.
Unfortunately, though, the story doesn’t end there.
Becoming the mom I want to become
I wish I had that story of triumph already written. “It was hard, but I pushed through and now everything changed in my head and I’m healed and whole!”
But, to me, it’s important to tell a story in the midst of the hard stuff — not after I’ve conquered it all. After all, one of the most powerfully human things we can do is be vulnerable and allow others to see our weaknesses.
Because, while I am so thankful I will likely not become that mom of my nightmares, I’ve still not yet learned to give myself that same grace.
I am still the perfectionist.
I am still the over-achiever.
I am still the self-punisher.
Because no matter how many things I cross off my “to-do” list, no matter how much I accomplish towards our goal of reducing how much stuff we have, no matter how many things I do for us, it still never feels like enough.
I never feel like enough.
I’ve got to find a way forward to feel satisfied. To feel satisfied with myself, to feel satisfied with what I accomplish, to be satisfied with the fact that “good enough” is “good enough.”
Or, as the wise Mary Susan McConnel. put it from Mama Bear Podcast, “You can’t feel guilty for taking a lunch break. At some point, what you’ve done has to be enough.”
Practicing being present
A friend referred me to a therapist here in Estonia that I met with on Skype for the first this morning. We both struggled to find the right words and stories as we got to know one another.
I told her I still struggle, even now, to figure out how to rest. To figure out what I enjoy. To figure out what restores my soul. If I have time alone, I’m suddenly blank — what brings me joy? What sparks excitement in my spirit? What leaves me feeling rested and full?
Y’all, while this seems the easiest question in the world to answer, the reality is I still don’t know.
When I have my one day a week where I have no obligations and Brian takes on everything Eloise and house related, my biggest desire is to be “productive.”
Why?
Because somewhere in my brain I think if I can just accomplish a tiny bit more, then I’ll feel satisfied.
But it’s a lie — it’s never true.
And then the counselor today reminded me of something powerful. There is being productive and there is being present. And being present is what I need to learn.
I paused and let that sink in.
Being present is what I need to learn.
Being present is what I need to learn.
I need to learn how to be present in this moment. In this current task. In this conversation. In this storybook. In this time with Eloise. In this conversation with Brian. In this precious little family I have.
This is something I struggle with every single day. When I’m with Eloise, I’m thinking about my next task. When I’m talking to Brian, I’m planning my tomorrow. When I’m doing something from my to-do list I’m feeling guilty for all the other stuff I’m not doing.
In short, I have a long way to go at this “being present” thing.
And, I’m pretty sure she’s right — if I learn to be where I am in the now, if I learn a habit of mindfulness in my everyday life, then I’ll begin to feel satisfaction with whatever I accomplished, no matter how “good” it was.
I have a feeling this is going to be a long road. But it’s one worth taking — because we have no guarantee of a future with Eloise. We have no guarantee she’ll live into adulthood or Estonia won’t be like Ukraine invaded by Russia or some other enemy we never expected and one of us will be lost forever. I don’t want to live life with regrets. I want to live in a way that, every day, I feel proud of who I am becoming no matter what happens with my tomorrow.
Let me know if you’ve found some success yourself, and what resources got you there.
All our love,
Mallory, Brian, and little Eloise
Eloise The Tiny Fighter 