Mom guilt 24/7

This was originally posted on Eloise’s facebook page back in May of 2021.

I’ve been realizing that everything I do with Eloise comes with a cost. If I’m rocking one thing, I’m failing at three others.

• Go to the hospital therapy early in the morning? Miss out on one of her biggest feedings and one of her very few possible long naps.
• Skip hospital therapy early in the morning so she can eat a bunch and sleep a bunch which is healthy for her body? Possibly delay or even stop altogether some of what could help her either verbally, mentally, or physically.
• Change her diaper to deal with the rash from one of the latest foods? Ignore her very clear hunger cues and get her worked up to the point where she struggles to calm down for the first 5-10 minutes of a feed.
• Immediately respond to her hunger cues? Skip a diaper change with that rash that’s getting worse and not get in tummy time or physiotherapy which she so desperately needs.
• Do tummy time using a cellphone screen with a baby video that motivates her? Expose her to screens far too early for her little brain, and risk other problems with her neural development.
• Do tummy time without a cellphone screen? Watch her not raise her head at all and just scream and scream and scream for 2-3 minutes or until I cannot handle it anymore.
• Let her fall asleep nursing because it comforts her and it’s the easiest way for her to sleep? Risk her struggling to fall asleep any other way, meaning she will struggle soon to fall back asleep after she wakes up from her short sleep cycle.
• Make sure she falls asleep in her bed at night? Have to get up over and over and over again for hours as she wakes up between her sleep cycles and demands to eat.
• Give her a bottle/syringe/spoon to “top up” on food to hopefully help her grow? Watch her scream in agony (and often vomit) over the next 20 minutes as reflux flares back up.
• Skip giving her top ups on food? Risk her falling more and more behind in weight.

I can now see why so many Moms:

1. Feel guilty all the time. (There’s always SOMETHING they aren’t doing if they are doing something else)
2. Get really passionate/evangelistic about whatever method of parenting they’ve chosen. (There are so many options out there you have to get passionate enough about the method you’ve chosen so that you stay sane and don’t start doing the others, too.)
3. Judge other Moms who are not following the method of parenting they’ve chosen. (Because to stay sane they had to hardcore reject other methods to stop their own guilt for not following said method.)

Everyone has advice. And, honestly, it’s all good advice.

• The dietician says we need to replace a feed with formula.
• The lactation consultants say we need to use a supplemental nursing system so we can get her feedings shorter.
• The speech therapist says we need to space out her feedings more.
• The pediatrician says don’t limit her nursing, let her eat as much as she wants.
• The hospital staff is concerned with her growth curve.
• The family doctor says her growth curve is absolutely beautiful and not to worry.
• The physiotherapist from the hospital says we need to work on rocking her back and forth.
• The physiotherapist from the local place says we need to work on rolling.
• The GP says we need to work on tummy time / neck strength.
• The sleep consultant says we need to work on getting her to take longer naps, and to go to sleep without nursing otherwise she may struggle with sleep permanently.
• The attachment parenting books say I need to ignore advice and trust my gut and follow her cues.

Yet every time I follow one piece of advice, I’m feel like I’m failing at another. This cannot be a sustainable way to feel long term.

Moms and parents out there, how do you not go insane or beat yourself up all the time?

I need to get to a place of peace.

That if she’s sleeping a little extra then, sure, that means she won’t eat as much and I’ll just have to be okay with that. That if she’s eating a ton that day then, sure, that means she might do a lot less sleeping and I’ll just have to be okay with that. That if she goes to some sort of therapy then, sure, her eating and sleeping won’t be as good that day.

Everything is a trade-off. It’s hard not to feel like you’re constantly failing.

AT THE END OF THE DAY I JUST WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR HER.

But then that’s another problem. What IS best?

Walking by age 4? Being constantly entertained without a screen? With a screen? Potty trained? Mostly seizure-free? Medicated so she has less pain? Non medicated but mostly okay?

And if she will be happy no matter what the status of her walking or eating or pooping or seizing, should it even matter to us if it doesn’t matter to her?

Ultimately, though, it’s hard to know if any of what we’re doing, therapy or just regular stuff, will really make a difference in the end. The likelihood of her speaking any words in her lifetime (if I look at the other kids of her deletion) is almost 0. The likelihood of her being potty trained so she takes care of her own needs without prompting or assistance is almost 0. But because there’s so little research on kids like her, I can‘t know the answers to whether what we are doing is helping.

So I have to do what I can to try to get as much of the stuff in. And make peace that instead of thinking about how I’m ”failing,” accept that we are doing the best we can.

I hope I can miraculously come to a place of peace. That if I’m doing one thing that’s good for her, then that also means I’m NOT doing 3 other things that may be equally as good or better for her.

And that has to be enough.

This is gonna be one hard road. But I have a feeling “normal“ parents also go through the same thing.

(Also, thank you for your continued prayers and good vibes. My mom pointed out that many of the issues I have written about have gotten better afterwards. That’s true. I’m just really hoping that she will latch normally someday soon. She did once in the middle of the night a few nights ago which shocked me. But I knew not to get my hopes up. That was just once. But maybe that means she’s capable.)