We’ve been keeping a secret…

I cannot count the amount of times the last two years Eloise and Baby K were screaming at the same time when, in the midst of that chaos, Brian and I would look at one another, laugh, and say, “You know what would be a great idea? If we had another kid.”

Well, SURPRISE! If you’re like most people, you haven’t heard the news. We had another baby!

Internet family, we introduce you to Baby G born in August — another boy. And, with him, our family is complete. (Which means Baby K has graduated to just simply K.)

The backstory

Maybe you know our story, or maybe you don’t.

Back when we got married 18 years ago — yes, we are older than most people think 😅 — we decided we wanted 3 or 4 kids. I assumed, since we were marrying so young, that the problem we’d have would be ensuring we didn’t have too many kids. I never expected we wouldn’t even see a positive pregnancy test.

We moved to Estonia 5 years after we got married and, a few years later, started fertility treatments. I’d heard so many fertility success stories — after all, happy endings are how most American movies finish — I assumed treatments would work quickly.

Well, they didn’t.

It took countless visits, tests, 3 clomid cycles, 2 IVF egg collections (followed by 2 cases of Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome), 8 frozen embryo transfers, over a year of acupuncture and Chinese teas, and losing 2 babies in the 2nd trimester to finally have Eloise nearly 5 years after we started.

So it’s no wonder we assumed that, after Eloise, maybe our dream of having another 2-3 kids would never happen.

Unexpectedly, after I stopped pumping breastmilk for Eloise, we had two natural, spontaneous pregnancies that ended in miscarriage in the initial weeks. Our dream of growing our family seemed even further away.

But then, we decided we wanted to keep trying. Our preserved, frozen embryos were our best bet since they were from when I was younger. So in December 2022, we transferred two. Much to our surprise, for the first time in the history of our fertility journey, everything worked as it does for most people and we had an uneventful singleton pregnancy. Baby K joined our family in September 2023.

Going from 0 kids to 1

Cults and military boot camps often re-make humans into new people with three primary tools — constant demands, drastically reduced independence, and prolonged sleep deprivation.

Have you ever noticed that newborn babies introduce these same 3 life elements, as well? No wonder as new parents, our brains “break” and we no longer feel like the same humans we used to be. It’s because we aren’t. Fascinatingly, brain imaging studies can even tell whether someone has become a parent or not be it biologically, adoptively, or by becoming a step parent.

Eloise definitely re-made our brains and made Brian and I into new humans. But I think the pressure from Eloise and the issues she came with was perhaps a little higher than average. 😅

Interestingly, as I look back at all of Eloise’s struggles, I can see that many typical babies also have the same issues. What was different with Eloise, however, is that she had so many issues all at the same time, and almost always to a much more extreme degree.

I was pumping 9 times per day to provide her breastmilk in hopes it might help her grow more brain matter like some research showed. Eloise would only nap on me. Her entire awake time was spent trying to get her to eat. She usually spent around 6-7 hours screaming from extreme pain each day. She had countless doctors and therapy visits every week that were a nightmare to juggle with feeding her and the reflux that defined her life and her screaming in terror the entire 45 minute car rides to the hospital, and all this while Brian and I never got more than 4 hours of sleep per night — let alone uninterrupted sleep — no matter what we tried. Oh, and it was COVID time and we were grieving her diagnosis. (If you want to read about those times, you can read a lot on her facebook page where I was originally sharing. Or you can see some of the archives on this blog if you go back to the start.)

It was intense. Really really really intense. And that doesn’t even take into account when her seizures began at 10 months old. I cried every day for months and months and months after her birth and, weirdly, I still don’t think I had post partum depression — grief was just a natural reaction to really hard circumstances during a time when I had almost no real breaks.

As I look back, though, I also feel so much warmth and gratitude, even in the midst of those tears. I recall comment after comment on our facebook community page from old University friends or those from my hometown, sending love or dropping in advice from when life was hard with their babies and what they did. I smile as I picture our neighbor who agreed to support us daily for a few months, getting Eloise to sleep, helping around the house, loving our sweet baby, being a source of comfort and companionship, and sometimes even feeding me when my hands were all full and I was stuck. I remember the many times that old co-workers and friends came to our home on the weekends to help prepare the insane amount of specialty food I would eat every week to make Eloise scream less or help us tame our weed-filled backyard.

The darkness was vast, but so was the light that came from those who surrounded us here and online.

It’s like that movie “Inside Out,” to notice the brightness and hope, you usually have to have the heaviness and grief. And that is how I still think of that period of Eloise’s first year with such deeply contrasting feelings. Grief and gratitude, intertwined. Feeling it was both heartbreaking and heartwarming.

Feeling grateful Eloise was our first

I am so thankful that Eloise was our first kid — that it was she who introduced me to motherhood.

Why?

For so many reasons.

• She eventually freed me of Mom guilt. With all the additional needs she had, my Mom guilt was not only intense and overwhelming, but it was also peppered with a feeling that I had somehow caused her disability — so it forced me to work through my intense emotions in therapy.
• After Eloise, even though neither boy has technically been textbook easy, next to Eloise, raising them as babies has seemed very very straightforward and simple.
• Eloise and her many — and large — troubles puts life in perspective, so I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff.
• After helplessly experiencing Eloise cry for hours each day for multiple years and feeling like we tried every suggestion given on google or from kind people who offered advice, it’s begun to change me. Now, when people have kids that really struggle, I can at least challenge my inner voice that says every problem is solvable if parents just try hard enough. (Which means I am slightly slower on offering my own advice and experience.😅)
• I savor every moment and milestone and “normal” activity with K and now Baby G because, after Eloise, it feels miraculous that I didn’t have to attend 4 years of therapies to make everyday milestones like head control or rolling simply happen.
• Eloise has helped redefine what successful parenting is, so I don’t care what my kids achieve. Success is becoming the parents our kids need us to be so they can grow up into resilient human beings who love and feel loved.
• It’s so much easier to not to get weighed down by tantrums or cries or problem behaviors, because we know whatever stage K or Baby G is in, it’s almost definitely temporary — because with Eloise we never know if what’s happening will last for the rest of her life.
• We got rid of a bunch of our stuff. I knew for years that it was far too hard for me to get rid of my possessions, but I didn’t know how to change that. When Eloise arrived, however, the weight of too much stuff everywhere became something that added even more stress. We knew we had to make a big life change. Thankfully, someone put on a course teaching how to cultivate a minimalist mindset and it really did shift so much for us. Years later and it is far easier for me to move on from items that aren’t serving us and both Brian and I buy a lot less stuff than we used to. Even with 3 kids, I am better at keeping the house uncluttered and clean now than I was back then. (The best question we still use is, “Would I still buy this item today if I could?” If the answer is no, then we often sell or donate it immediately.)

Going from 1 kid to 2

I’ve heard that going from 1 kid to 2 kids is harder than going from 0 kids to a baby. But, usually that statement is followed by anecdotes of how the older one is jealous of the attention now divided by them and the new baby. To say for us that the first year transitioning to 2 kids was really difficult is a huge understatement. My body still tenses in stress when I think back to those months.

You see, completely unrelated to Baby K, Eloise’s challenges dramatically — and unexpectedly — increased around the time he was born. Suddenly, caring for nearly 3 year old Eloise was like caring for 3 week old Eloise. She needed full attention at all times — watching her was intense, nonstop, and far harder than watching our new Baby K. Thankfully, Eloise had an amazing caregiver, Kadi, who took her during the days which gave us a break. However, when Eloise was at home with us, she was mostly screaming in pain and couldn’t be unsupervised for even a moment. If she was on her potty, she’d have some sort of pain episode and fall to the ground as her body arched and stiffened. If we laid her on the floor, she’d suddenly have a phlegm and saliva attack from being flat on her back and then vomit and scream for hours more. For Brian, it was especially tough, because he had no down time — Eloise even had to be held upright the entire night so she didn’t choke on saliva and scream for hours more.

Before Baby K was born, we’d assumed that we’d divide and conquer for awhile. Brian would mostly care for Eloise and I would mostly care for Baby K for the first 6-12 months or so, but soon we’d manage watching both at once — at least for short times. Though Baby K was far simpler to care for than Eloise, he was a velcro baby and had to be in a carrier or held at all times or he’d scream until he turned purple. That meant with Eloise’s sudden onslaught of complications, it was quickly clear that a single human watching both kids at once — even for minutes at a time — wasn’t safe. The closest we got to watching both simultaneously was taking a shower. We’d put Eloise in a toddler bathtub, put Baby K in a baby bathtub, and then one of us would shower at the same time in our huge shower room to give the other parent a few minutes’ break. But, within a few months, even that wasn’t an option because our bathroom renovation was underway and we didn’t have a shower in our home for quite some time. We were barely making it during that season.

But it wasn’t all doom and gloom.

Weirdly, though, as difficult as life had suddenly become with Eloise, life with Baby K felt the exact opposite. All our dreams we’d had before Eloise was born of what parenting would be like suddenly came true. Even Baby K’s birth was almost exactly what I’d dreamed of. Time with Baby K was life-giving and simple in a beautiful way. And it wasn’t just because he was an easy baby. He demanded to be held at all times for his first 4-5 months. For the first 3-4 months he screamed without reason for an hour every night and sounded like he was on the precipice of death every time I put him in a carseat. He didn’t sleep independently and woke every 1.5-2 hours until he was almost 18 months old — and still today cries nearly every time he wakes up. Even with all of that, though, in comparison to what it had been like raising baby Eloise, life with Baby K was slow and rich and full of laughter and smiles.

Though our start was tough, we kept hoping watching Eloise would get easier again as we tackled each issue when it came up. But, as time went on, Eloise seemed to be on a downhill trajectory — at first with virus after virus, weight loss, and hospitalizations, then with seizures coming back with a force so strong we thought she wouldn’t make it, then repeated hospitalizations, then mysterious vomiting, then extreme food allergies and diarrhea that wouldn’t quit — while all the while she continued screaming for hours on end every day.

I cannot even put into words how hard it was for us mentally, watching our once-happy and sweet Eloise cry and cry and cry and never get a break from complications. Yet, at the exact same time, Baby K was growing into a very happy, very social human.

A story from that first year perfectly illustrates the two sides of our life.

Eloise had been having seizures every 10 minutes for two months by then — in March 2024 alone she had over 900 seizures — and doctors were at a loss on how to stop them. One night, though, Eloise’s breathing and movements were unusual enough to put us on high alert, and her owlet monitor informed us that her oxygen level was plummeting dangerously low with no signs of recovering. We were genuinely afraid she was dying. Brian and I sat at the foot of our bed, him holding Eloise and me calling emergency services on speaker phone while I held back tears. As I was speaking with the emergency dispatcher on speakerphone, suddenly Baby K was in our laps, looking into our faces with a huge smile. We were absolutely surprised, because we’d left him at the head of the bed. Turns out, he chose that exact moment to crawl for the first time.

At that moment, I couldn’t help but notice the contrast — one kid dying, one kid thriving. That night, as the emergency services personell walked around the living room making phone calls and consulting books to figure out what they could do to save Eloise’s life, Baby K happily babbled and crawled around on the floor, smiling at everyone. It was such an unreal experience.

Still dreaming of 3

With all of that stress, you might wonder why in the world we’d want to add yet another kid to our family.

Within minutes of Baby K’s birth, while Brian and I were in the birthing room still holding Baby K’s precious tiny body, naked and covered with goo, I looked at Brian and asked through the calm silence, “Is it crazy that I still want another kid? It just feels like our family isn’t complete.”

Brian chuckled, smiled warmly and said, “No. You aren’t crazy. You never have to justify what your heart wants. I’m with you.”

Over the coming year, I meditated on this desire many times. That’s when I read something another family said, “We still have more love to give.” It seemed to best describe my nagging, faint emptiness that kept surfacing. Even with all that stress, we had more love to give another kid.

So we set our sights on, Lord-willing, growing our family one more time.

Going from 2 kids to 3

It’s still early — Baby G is barely 1 month old — but going from 2 to 3 may be, by far, the easiest transition.

Though I was 41 by the time Baby G was born, his pregnancy was definitely the easiest. I didn’t have any of the aches and pains and complaints I’d had with Eloise and K, and with one normal pregnancy under my belt, I didn’t worry if Baby G would be okay or not. Even his birth was fast and straightforward. (Though, interestingly, my physical recovery is taking the longest.) I’ve been hoping that all of these points signal that he’s going to have his dad’s personality — easygoing and laidback. As Estonians say, ootame vaatame. Only time will tell.

As Brian said before Baby G arrived, “Yes, things will be difficult when we have 3 kids, but we’re just going to have to grow as parents and step up our game.”

Of course he’s right. So, stepping up our game is what we’re doing.

Balancing the needs of 3

Before Baby G was born, I’d planned everything. When he would come. Who would watch K and Eloise when my labor began. When Eloise’s new caregiver would start. When K and Eloise would start kindergarten (that’s what preschool is called here). How I’d recover faster from this birth. How Brian and I would manage our house and the stress so we didn’t go insane.

And, of course, to no one’s surprise but my own, almost none of my plans worked as I imagined.

Eloise was still vomiting every day from (we suspect) Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. Baby G had to be induced because he was a week past his due date. Brian got food poisoning the night of Baby G’s birth which meant not only was he watching 2 kids by himself while feeling awful, but Eloise was still vomiting, too. I came home several days later in so much pain I had to stay in bed for weeks more. The house was a disaster because Brian was barely hanging on. Eloise came down with her first virus a week after Baby G’s birth and then K and Brian their first virus a week after that. (We are now at over a month of illness for Eloise and 3+ weeks for K.) Oh, and did I mention that the day Eloise’s new caregiver started which was the day after I got home from the hospital, that we had a mixup with the local government on funding her salary, and then I had to scramble to find old paperwork and make phonecalls and attend a meeting over the next few weeks all the while using a lot of painkillers?

As I read through those events, it sure sounds like a lot — and it was. But I can proudly say we survived with minimal breakdowns and tantrums on Brian and I’s part. And we managed to keep Eloise in her 4-6 times per week therapy appointments through it all!

A big part of surviving was leaning more heavily on our community. A friend brought me and Baby G home from the hospital since Brian was still sick by the time we were discharged. She also made us dinner several times, too! More than once we called in friends or babysitters to hang out with K so he didn’t feel overlooked. We called in a cleaner to take care of some of the heavier housetasks one night. I discovered there’s something called a postpartum doula who can come and help take care of stuff around the house if you need it, so a lovely local gal came by for part of a day. And, for food, I mostly lived on pre-made Salvest organic soups and Jimmy Joy meal replacement shakes for a few weeks.

Still, we’re growing into our new family structure. We’re actively leaning into opportunities to grow our capacity as parents, and when things get crazy — as they often do — we’ve learned to laugh.

Like a few weeks ago when I suddenly and unexpectedly was on my own with all 3 kids for a full day. Brian offered to cancel his meetings and come home to help, but I decided it was a perfect opportunity to stretch and grow. Or a few nights ago when I was changing Baby G’s diaper and suddenly I heard Brian yell, “Help!” from the living room. I rushed to reach him with a half dressed baby in my arms. K had gotten so hysterical that Brian was paying attention to Eloise that he’d vomited all over. Then, at that same moment, Eloise began to cry and vomit from her own issues. Brian and I just looked at each other, shared a silent chuckle, and then began to decide amongst ourselves how we were going to get everyone cleaned up and sorted. I smile as I type this up because I am proud of our teamwork.

Is it hard? Yes. But parenting is hard. The reality is, though, that so much of our ability and capacity today comes from the fact that Eloise — even with her daily vomiting — is the most stable she’s been for years. If she was in the same state as she’d been when Baby K was born, this would be a different blog post.

Instead, I can feel us growing. We’re figuring out how to give each other breaks on the weekend (like me going to a local cafe to work on this blog), Brian is figuring out how to continue his destressing disc golf hobby, and our plan is that I’ll return to local Zumba and Pilates classes when I’m healed enough to join them again. In the meantime, Brian is helping me get time every evening and most mornings to work on recovery exercises at home.

The feeling that is the strongest right now is gratitude.

Gratitude that we’re making it. Gratitude that Eloise, in spite of her illnesses and struggles, is relatively stable. Gratitude that we have great friends. Gratitude that we’ve grown in our marriage through the trials to get us to a point where we can juggle all this at the moment. Gratitude that K, between toddler meltdowns, is so fun and happy and loves others so much. And gratitude for this little Baby G, who is snuggly and cute and beginning to smile.

So when Baby G is up at 4:00 in the morning and I am up changoing his poopy diaper yet again, I find myself smiling, holding him tight, and feeling thankful that, despite all our fertility setbacks, somehow, miraculously, our family is now complete. And I am so honored to be holding this precious little new baby in my arms.

All our love,

Mallory, Brian, Eloise, K, and Baby G