No wonder…

There are fleeting moments where I think, “Mallory, all new parents struggle. What the heck is so hard that it takes two of you (plus asking for even more help) to take care of her? I mean, she’s just a baby. Babies have high needs, you knew that. Why do both of you need to stay at home.”

When that voice pops up, it always seems logical in that moment.

Yeah. Right. What’s our problem? If everyone else can take care of newborns without having two parents at home, we should be able to, too.

Then, this morning I was on a zoom call with a pair of very kind sleep consultants. I mentioned in passing, “every new parent usually has a problem or two to tackle with their babies — but it just turns out we have quite a few more.”

I laughed.

Later, upon reflection, I realized how true that is. In fact, it’s so true that I noticed at some point I stopped being bitter about the problems she does have and began being thankful for the problems she doesn’t have — because sometimes it feels like she has issues all over the board.

So that future me can give current me some grace, let me list out the “problems” we dealt with or are currently trying to solve with Eloise.

• Spent several days in NICU at birth
• Lesions on her brain
• Unable to latch/breastfeed
• Would not sleep unless it was on a human for the first 4 months of her life
• Would not tolerate being put down for the first few months of her life
• Did not want to be in a carrier at all
• Screamed for hours on end for the first few months of her life
• Still doesn’t make prolonged eye contact (will be diagnosed on the autism spectrum most likely)
• Eyes started moving independently at 6 months
• Delayed motor skills (still not sitting unsupported and cannot really grasp objects)
• Delayed feeding skills (can only tolerate very liquid purées, still has tongue thrust reflex )
• Delayed/absent speech skills (no consonant sound babbling, only adorable screaming and howling)
• Inability to nap well during the day (three 25-33 minute naps per day)
• Reflux from birth
• Extreme food intolerances/allergies (she has definite problems with eggs, coconut, olives, bananas, oats, and cow’s milk, we have suspicions with sweet potatoes, soy, gluten, black beans, butternut squash, potatoes, quinoa, rice, red lentils, and brussel sprouts)
• Under-eating (currently she eats 650-700ml per day but should be eating 780ml per day)
• Slow eating (until recently it normally took 1+ hour to get her to eat 100ml)
• Slow weight gain (even when she was eating 30% more than recommended, she was still gaining less than the minimum daily grams)
• Tiny size (under 3% in every area)
• Potty stuff (we know it will be very very difficult to potty train her so we are already starting by putting her on the toilet every time we change her)
• Sensory issues (struggles in new places)
• Oh and of course her rare chromosome deletion that no doctor has ever encountered before because there are so few cases worldwide

The reality is that many new parents can look at those issues and recognize a thing or two their baby had. Something that drained them or overwhelmed them at the time. They just can’t relate to having so many at the same time.

But, honestly, with her 2q24.3, 2q31.2, and 2q32.1 chromosome deletions, so much more could go wrong that these are the things I often think about that make me feel thankful. For kids like her, the following are common:

• Cleft palates
• Heart issues
• Sleep apnea
• Aspiration
• Liver issues
• Untreatable, early onslaught extreme epilepsy
• Extremely low muscle tone (floppy baby syndrome)
• Partial blindness
• Partial deafness
• Completely wheelchair bound for life
• Extremely compromised immune systems
• Constipation
• Un-potty trainable
• Severe GERD
• Feeding tubes

So I look at that last list and go, “Wow, we really dodged a bullet. Even with her being non-verbal and physically delayed, she’s in great shape compared to what it could be.”

Although at any moment things could change and Eloise could develop more issues. But, for now, I’m counting my lucky stars.

But, seriously, gosh I feel exhausted looking at either of those lists.

So from now on I hope this blog can serve as a reminder to myself to have a little self compassion. Sure, things could be worse— and they have been—but no wonder it’s been mentally and emotionally draining and I wanted another adult to support me fulltime. I needed it.

And, also, if your kiddo only has one or two or none of the same problems, you’re still totally allowed to feel overwhelmed. Parenting a baby is not easy. For anyone.

(Side note: That cover image is one I shot of the skyline of Tallinn, Estonia — where we’ve lived for 9 years.)