It’s weeks like these that I am so enormously grateful that Brian is staying at home, too. Just last night as I was going to bed I looked over at him. “Brian, you staying at home with us has been a great decision.”
“I completely agree. It was the right move.” Brian responded.
“Can you imagine what it would be like if you were still working?”
“It would be rough.”
“I would not be okay mentally. I really wouldn’t. The amazing thing is that right now even in the midst of tough stuff, I actually feel like myself. I’m so grateful.”
Teething and eating and pain, oh my!
Don’t I wish that the estimate of 2-8 days for a baby’s tooth to grow in were correct for Eloise. It’s been more than two weeks so far. Ten days before her first tooth broke through she started struggling, and it’s been 8 more days since then.
The good news is that both of her two bottom teeth have broken through. The bad news is that the breakthrough had already happened by Monday — and her teeth haven’t seemed to progress much if at all since then.
As you might have already read, with the seizure Eloise had on Sunday, we decided to get proactive and give her paracetamol every 4 hours. That way, if the seizure was triggered by a fever, then the medication should hopefully help prevent a higher temperature and, thus, another seizure. Crisis averted.
But, at 4 am on Saturday morning, I read that you shouldn’t give a kid paracetamol for more than 3 days in a row — and we’d been giving it to her for 5 already. Whoops. We immediately stopped.
Yet Brian and I are now wondering when we can start giving it to her again, because she ate normal amounts for several days on the medication — one day she even had more than I’d pumped. But without paracetamol, we’re back to the feeding difficulties dance.
At least Brian and I’s anxiety levels about how little she’s taking in each day has dropped by like 75% since I wrote a few weeks back about how helpless we felt around her milk strike.
Just knowing there’s a good — temporary! — reason she isn’t eating much has brought so much relief.
(What have we tried to help? She’s had an amber bracelet on for almost a week now but we haven’t noticed a difference — except maybe a little less drool. Kamistad baby seems to have no effect. Medicine with Lidocaine sent her into a pain episode. Teething toys don’t seem to do much. The closest we’ve gotten to seeing a difference, other than the paracetamol, is letting her chew on pieces of a cold pear. Or her constantly chewing on her own fingers. Let us know if you have any tips yourself.)
No more seizures — thank the Lord
I have two mindsets about her seizure that happened last Sunday.
- Freak out. Oh-my-word-it’s-time-to-panic-because-she’s-probably-been-having-infantile-spasms-since-birth-and-we’ve-ignored-them-and-she’s-gotten-brain-damage-as-a-result-of-our-ignorance. (This is the side of me that thinks we need to count almost anything as a possible seizure, rush to the hospital, and pray that they give her an EEG to detect the possible abnormal brain activity and thus get her on preventative seizure medications as soon as possible.)
- Chill. Maybe I was imagining it. Maybe it wasn’t actually a seizure. Or, if it was, lots of normal people get seizures just once or twice and are fine ever after. Let’s just hope it’s that and we can pray and hope it doesn’t happen again.
At the moment, I think I’m in the chill mindset. In part because after I wrote, several parents of neurotypical and non-neurotypical kids wrote to me or wrote in the comments about their own experience with their kids’ seizures. I heard quite a few stories. Some kids had recurring seizures that never got better. Some kids had only a few and then never again.
So, out of that, I realized we aren’t alone. These families are okay. These kids are, by and large, okay.
Which means we’ll okay. She’ll be okay. Or she won’t be “okay” in the way that we’d hoped, but we’ll figure it out. And we’ll still love her.
Our world will not end if she ends up with recurring, medication-resistant seizures. We’ll find a path forward somehow. Even if the situation royally sucks.
Therapy has been so good
I’ve had 4 counselling appointments over the last month or so. And I’m proud to say that, despite the fact that it took months to first set up, the 2 zoom calls have been most especially helpful so far. There are two wonderful women, one in the US and one in the UK, who have taken time out of their lives to faciliate something called HeartSync for me.
HeartSync is a Christian counselling technique that has some overlap with the movie concept “Inside Out” and the trauma therapy method EMDR. During the HeartSync call, the facilitator helps me use my imagination to access parts of my brain that are stuck in painful scenarios. And then brings healing and release to those parts of my brain.
I did HeartSync regularly by myself and with a friend (Linda, if you’re reading this, I still cannot thank you enough) for years when I came to Estonia. It was revolutionary in me being much nicer to Brian, and getting rid of a lot of the perpetual fear and anxiety and bitterness I was carrying around. I went through training years ago and still use HeartSync by myself from time to time, but it’s always better if there’s someone to help me through it.
After the first session I saw an immediate improvement in allowing myself self-care. And not feeling nearly as much anxiety and responsibility around getting everything done in the house. (Although, fascinatingly, I still managed to get more done without that feeling of pressure.)
And, after the second session, I haven’t noticed myself searching for ways to criticize Brian in the mornings — which had been something I was doing all too often.
Only time will tell if these results stick around, but I’m guessing the healing that’s going on will be pretty instrumental in me being a better mom to Eloise, and a better partner to Brian.
Speaking of self-care
Brian and I have had a few evenings this past week where — for the second time since Eloise was born — we watched a movie together. (Captain Fantastic and The Lighthouse, in case you were curious.) I think we’ll be able to start making it a regular thing to spend purposeful time together after Eloise goes to sleep — because now that she can fall asleep without us, she’s often sleeping for hours after we put her to bed.
Not to mention, at the end of this week my mom and stepdad are coming to Estonia for a 6-week stay. Brian especially has been looking forward to their visit for months — he keeps saying he just wants a one-day break where he has no obligations. My parents are ready to help, so hopefully we can make that happen. And then maybe by the time they leave we will be ready to put together a regular babysitting routine so Brian and I can completely turn off once in awhile.
In the meantime, Brian and I have both re-discovered how restorative it can be to read a fantasy or sci-fi book. So, rather than consuming a bunch of shows or podcasts, we’re spending most of our little free moments reading. I’m on my third book in a month and Brian is making his way through his first (it’s really long). It’s been such a pleasure to sneak in reading time during Eloise’s naps, one of our mealtimes, or late at night after she’s gone to bed.
This week will be crazy
Monday we have a physiotherapy appointment with Eloise’s regular physiotherapist. (We’re praying Eloise magically doesn’t scream through this one. It’s been a few months since she’s been there now so I’m hoping time has helped.)
Tuesday we have an allergy appointment for her. (I had mine this past week and the allergist was fantastic! She was so interested and asked great questions and will join Eloise’s appointment on Tuesday to work with Eloise’s pediatric allergist as well.)
Wednesday night I have another HeartSync session. (I’m so excited what healing might happen this week.)
Thursday we’ll need to put together a bunch of IKEA furniture and stuff that will be coming in this week. (She needs a fullsize crib because she keeps turning herself sideways during her sleep.)
And Friday we have a physiotherapy appointment at home as well as our favorite electrician coming by to install outside lights on our porch.
Where we could use your help
Two things.
Now that we have some time on our hands at night, we will be more intentional about connecting with one another. (We still talk all the time throughout the day, but it would be nice to do something together purposefully that doesn’t have anything to do with Eloise.)
A movie is great for an occasional thing. I would read to Brian like I used to except I will likely fall asleep in those evening hours. So any ideas?
Secondly, maybe you know of a quick and easy way to make frames for paintings. Or, if you’re in Tallinn, maybe you know someone who can either easily make a frame from a baseboard (põrandaliist) or would be able to if they came over and used our tools and supplies in our garage. We’re happy to pay.
But regardless of all of that, we’re just praying for two things.
First, that Eloise’s little teeth come in a bit faster so her pain can go away and she can go back to eating and feeling normal again.
Second, that her little seizure was a one-off and she doesn’t have any more.
However, regardless of what this next week brings, her little squeals of delight will keep us going. If you’ve had a voice message or a video call with one of us, doubtless you’ve heard her giggles or squeals of delight. And, every time, they make us smile.
Hugs and stuff
Mallory and Brian and Eloise
Eloise The Tiny Fighter 
Monkey hooks for drywall – check out YouTube videos!! See if this would be a quick way to hang your canvas paintings just the way they are! You could always add frames later. And you both rock. That is all.
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