This is part 6, the final post of a 6 part series. To follow along, you might first wanna read Part 1: Pregnancy loss after loss after loss after loss and Part 2: New Family Expansion plan and Part 3: What if this one is disabled, too? and Part 4: The results are in and Part 5: Navigating the pregnancy anxiety rollercoaster
When Brian and I got married at 22 and 23 our plan of having 3-4 kid didn’t include imagining one would be disabled. Or that we’d almost be 40 and just having our second.
Many times these last few months, as we’ve both struggled with sleep exhaustion dealing with Eloise’s night wakings, I’ve wondered if having another kid was actually a good idea. If we actually have the capacity to care for two precious souls with two very different, very demanding, and very valid sets of needs. If we’re somehow shortchanging Eloise or her baby-brother-to-be.
What I keep reminding myself is that, at least as far as we know, Eloise’s baby brother won’t always be so dependent on us. The intensity and sleeplessness will be a phase — the challenges will get better, or, at least change. And, as another parent of a profoundly disabled girl put it, I do still feel like we still have more love to give.
Caring for Eloise was tough for many reasons — mostly because she screamed for hours on end from pain and feeding her took all my time. Which is why it’s no wonder my mental health wasn’t okay for many many months. That was a huge contributing factor of why Brian ended up taking off work for a full year to join me at home and become Eloise’s primary caregiver. It wasn’t until around 9 months in that we’d finally had an Eloise that was happier for more than a few days in a row.
So, needless to say, with Eloise’s experience still fresh in my mind, I’m mentally preparing for a tough start with this one, too. Because I know that some typical babies have a rough start to life, too with colic, reflux, food intolerances, gas, eczema, tongue ties, breastfeeding troubles, or any number of other things. (Although, don’t get me wrong, I’ve heard stories of babies that are happy and content and breastfeed with ease and sleep through the night right off the bat, so we will happily take that if it happens.)
Will this baby be as hard as Eloise? Will we be as exhausted? We have no way of knowing until he arrives. But we decided that, this time, knowing roughly some of the worst case scenarios that we experienced last time, we’d rather be overprepared than try to wing it when baby arrives.
Giving credit to a huge influence
Thanks to the podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking, I learned about and then read a book called “How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing.” The author wrote it in such a way that you can skip through the highlights and read through the main points in 30 minutes if you really want to. A lot of things she said in the book are absolutely profound, especially for parents who feel overwhelmed because they can’t do it all. She does a great job challenging a lot of our assumptions of what “has” to be done. And, ultimately, it really helped me get some ideas of how to mentally prepare for the even greater chaos we assume is about to arrive.
Here are a few things she mentioned that I still think about:
- Do baby clothes really need folded? Does underwear really need folded? I mean, if you’re really overwhelmed, why not just put all clean laundry in a pile on the floor in the laundry room and everyone can find their stuff there for a few months? You will survive.
- Don’t worry about sorting your laundry into darks and lights before you wash it — unless you like sorting. Just put the water temperature on low and throw everything in the washer.
- It’s hard to save the environment when you’re depressed — take care of yourself first (which in the author’s case meant ordering 100+ pre-pasted disposable toothbrushes to actually help her brush her teeth), then you can worry about the environment when you’re in a better state of mind.
- Try not to focus on a “fair” distribution of household chores between partners because there are so many ways to define fair that you’ll argue forever. Instead, focus on making sure both of you have enough time to rest.
- If putting away clothes in 5 different closet feels like a lot, it’s because it is. Consider making a family closet so everything is in one place.
- Keeping your house clean doesn’t make you a morally superior person. Conversely, having a messy house doesn’t make you a moral failure. It’s just a fact of life.
Practical changes we’ve already made
For months we’ve been working to get some things done around our house and lives to make it friendlier for when baby arrives. (As a side note it’s been a complete godsend that I’ve had not one, not two, but four different humans that can I can ask to take care of Eloise in the month of August.) I think this prep list will be boring for anyone to read, but it’s a nice reminder to myself that we haven’t been sitting around idly. And, well, if you’re a parent of a disabled kid or high needs toddler and you’re expecting a baby, then maybe this list will give you ideas to help mentally prepare, too.
- Safe flooring — We had our hardwood floors in the main room — which were full of holes and splinters — repaired and redone. Now baby can start crawling without getting his knees full of wood shards.
- Fenced yard — As of a few days ago, we now have a fence around the yard and just have a week or two of projects in the yard that will enable puppy to hang out outside and run around by himself on days when we are exhausted.
- Puppy + kid(s) walks — I spent many many many hours and some chatGPT research trying to figure out how to train puppy to walk in a way in which I could actually take a stroller on walks with us. Because, before, it just did not work and was a bit dangerous for us all. Now, we’re finally there!
- Big bed — We bought a much bigger bed because we discovered our old one was already too small for Eloise and us — there would have been no way it would have been okay for a kid who actually moves around.
- Eloise’s room — We moved Brian’s office out of Eloise’s room and then transitioned Eloise to sleep in her own room and crib so she won’t disturb baby and vice versa.
- Eloise caregiver — We found a wonderful human who will be able to watch Eloise for 40 hours per week during work hours starting in September.
- Used baby clothes — If I have the time, I always prefer to buy used stuff — less stuff wasted in the world, and often cheaper. And, well, when I realized we didn’t have enough clothes for this kid, I took some of the time when Eloise was being babysat to buy him some stuff to wear.
- Used cloth diapers — I found a bunch of infant-sized cloth diapers to transition him into once he stops pooping 8 million times a day. It turned out the lady I wanted to buy from lived a 3 minute drive from our place.
- Changing bedrooms — We moved our bedroom into the largest bedroom-type room of the house, which had no heating nor cooling.
- Heating and cooling — We invested in and got installed a heat pump to heat and cool our new bedroom.
- Light blocking curtains — We bought and sewed room-darkening curtains to cover every window in our new bedroom and in Eloise’s room to help her and to prepare new baby for successful deep sleep from the start.
- Family closet — Brian partitioned off 1/3 of the area of the new bedroom and built it into a family closet so we could put all our clothes in one place.
- Laundry room help — We’re in the process of cutting a hole from our family closet into the laundry room to make that easier to do laundry, too.
- Meal planning — I found an Australian webpage (which has recipes in the right units for Europe) with a ton of easy and tasty meals. So over the last few months I’ve been trying out a few new ones each week to help us build up a bunch of last minute quick food ideas.
- Freezer inventory — I went through our deep freeze and photographed and inventoried all of our pre-made meals so we know what’s in there.
- Dog walkers — We found a few older kids in the neighborhood who are happy to walk puppy for us.
- Eloise duties — We’ve decided once baby comes, Brian will be entirely responsible for Eloise at night. And likely when she’s here and not with the babysitters during the mornings, evenings, and weekends, too.
- New laundry system –– I’ve been doing all of our laundry once a week, but especially with having to wash construction dust out of things lately, it’s become a pretty big job. So now every family member has their own laundry basket so we can do laundry ad hoc when a hamper is full. Which means if Brian is out of undies, he can take care of his own laundry. And I can probably wait to do mine every 2 weeks.
- Care documents — Thankfully a friend who has babysat Eloise for over a year now will hopefully be available to take care of them for a few days while Brian and I are in the hsopital when baby arrives. But I know things can always go wrong, so I’ve made puppy and Eloise care documents just in case we have to find alternative humans to care for either of them if we need to stay in the hospital for longer or Eloise needs emergency care herself.
- Grocery delivery — Being at home with Eloise fulltime has meant that I’ve usually looked forward to getting out of the house to go grocery shopping. But over the last month or so I’ve been transitioning to grocery delivery to save us time.
- Expanded driveway — As a bonus, we were able to expand our 2-car driveway. Which means there’s finally enough room for both of our cars in addition to 2-3 other cars, so any babysitters, therapists, or construction contractors can also park here. (Our street is not wide enough for anyone to park there.)
One thing we didn’t get done was our bathroom-laundry-shower area. It’s the oldest part of the original house, and with its crumbling tile, rotting wooden floor, jagged bricks, exposed insulation, multiple floor heights, open chimney, and rusted metal areas, it’s not even close to being kid safe. But we hope to use a big chunk of our savings to pay for someone to reconstruct the whole area over the next year. Wish us luck.
“Sleep when baby sleeps”
We’re incredibly lucky that in Estonia I get paid maternity leave for 1.5 years and Brian gets 30 calendar days off himself. But my parents won’t arrive until the end of September, around a month after the baby gets here, which means we’ll still need to figure out how to take care of Eloise and ourselves in the midst of what I am sure will be extreme sleeplessness.
Speaking of sleep deprivation — which I’ve seen definitely interferes with our ability to be sane humans with working brains — when Eloise was born I can’t count the times people said, “sleep when your baby sleeps.” While I know that sounds like great advice for new parents, I soon realized it only works if you also have a housekeeper, gardener, chef, nanny, wet nurse, and accountant employed in your home. Because who else is going to wash the dishes, plan the meals, nurse the baby, chop the veggies, cook the food, clean up the messes, take out the trash, wash the laundry, put the clothes away, pay the bills, walk the dog, and go grocery shopping during your 10+ catnaps throughout the day?
So last month, Brian and I sat down and decided that, this time, we wanted to find a way to do whatever we could to sleep as much as we could. And the best idea we had — besides miraculously becoming overnight millionaires and being able to purchase a manorhouse and employ fulltime servants — was to find and invest in local services and products that could do the things we normally did. For a price, of course. Because we think our best bet to being present, attentive, sane, happy parents in those first months is to get enough sleep. And, if we’re lucky, maybe squeeze in some time for ourselves, too.
In order to make that happen, we needed to find other ways of getting the normal everyday household stuff done.
So here’s our brainstorm of all the things we can think of to possibly outsource for a time to get us through the hardest months.
- Dog walkers — I’m so grateful we’ve found two motivated older kids in the neighborhood who are already helping walk the puppy.
- Pre-made dog food — Our sweet poodle puppy is very picky about what he eats. It’s taken many months of trial and error to find and prepare food he would actually eat because he hates dry dog food. But making meals for us and Eloise and puppy takes a lot of time. So we found there’s a wet dog food I can buy from the grocery store he’ll actually eat. Of course buying that is more expensive than making his food myself, but it will save us a lot of time while we transition.
- Ready-made meals — While ordering food from restaurants to be delivered to our home sounds nice, we’re far enough from town that our options are limited. We tried a service that delivers groceries for a recipe and you make it yourself, but it still took a lot of time. So we’ve found two food delivery services (FitFood and SmartFood are the two I know of) that bring ready-made food to your home every day. Are they the tastiest or most exciting meals? No. But at least we don’t have to make them.
- Laundry service — I haven’t found a local business yet, but I’d love to find a company that picks up our laundry, washes and dries it, and then brings it back folded. We used one in Tartu when Eloise and I were in the hospital when she was having such bad seizures, so there has to be one close to the Viimsi area (Estonian friends, let me know if you find one).
- Lawncare — Hopefully we won’t need to cut grass very often soon as it gets cooler in Estonia. Brian always insists he can do this but it’s at least one thing we can pay to give away if needed.
- Basic housecleaning and tidying — There’s a local website where we can advertise what type of basic housecleaning we need and how much we’ll pay, and then people can respond to the ad. I haven’t made an ad yet, because I don’t know how much help we’ll need yet. And, well, I’m afraid to look at prices.
- Single use plates and cutlery — This one makes me cringe a bit, as living environmentally friendly is important to us. But I keep thinking back to that book I mentioned — the author gave me permission to do things a little differently while I’m drowning. So if doing a load of dishes is too much, then we’ll be investing in biodegradable dishware for the first month or so.
- Disposable diapers — Yes, I know most people use disposable diapers the entirety of their kids’ diaperin gyears, but I do actually like cloth diapering despite the fact I still don’t really know what I’m doing. With Eloise, it’s been pretty easy to maintain since she decided early on she preferred to poop in a potty rather than her diaper. But that took a few months for her to make that decision. So if this baby is anything like she was as a newborn, he’ll poop like 20 times per day for the first quarter of his life. And I don’t have the energy to rinse and stain treat and then wash that many diapers each day. Which is why we’re investing in disposable diapers for the first months.
- Sleep specialist — With the exception of a few weeks and a few great nights, we’ve had varying degrees of difficulty with Eloise’s night sleep. As a non neurotypical kid, it can be very very difficult to pin down what the root cause actually is. We’ve tried basically everything we know, so we’re at a place where it’s probably worth trying a sleep consultant who is familiar with kids that have neurological issues and genetic syndromes. Unfortunately, they come at a very high price.
- Seizure monitor — We’re going to need to invest in something to monitor for Eloise’s seizures especially now that she’s not sleeping in our room with us. It’s just a little hard to figure out what might work best for her.
So. Those are our best ideas at the moment — I’m sure we’ll think of more chores we can outsource specialists we can hire and products we can buy once the baby arrives. But this is a start
How you can help
Now that you’ve seen our very long, very boring list of things we’re doing and plan to do, maybe you’ve been through a hard season yourself and learned a thing or two. Which means if you’ve got some timesaving hacks or ideas, we’d really love to hear them — drop them in the comments.
Oh, and before you ask, no we do not have an Amazon baby wishlist. And no we haven’t had a baby shower (I don’t think people really do that in Estonia, or at least I haven’t seen it). No we don’t plan to do either, because for the most part we’ve got the stuff we need. It’s more the services and specialists we need to pay for that could never make it on an Amazon list that we could really use. But I know some people will still want to help. If that’s you, and you’re really sure, then send me a message (on Instagram, Facebook, or to eloisethetinyfighter@gmail.com) and I’ll send you a few different ways you can send donations to the “Mallory and Brian pay other people to do household tasks for awhile so they can take care of these kids and themselves fund.”
Over and out. And ready for your ideas.
Mallory, Brian, Eloise, and baby brother to be (due September 1)
Eloise The Tiny Fighter 