Plot twist

We have been mostly absent online more and more.

“Why?” you ask.

So many reasons.

But, more recently, our almost complete silence on social media was because — plot twist — I became disabled myself. (Temporarily, we hope.) But still, actually physically disabled to the point where I had to almost completely stop my every day life.

What happened?

It’s a long story and took me a long while to figure out what was going on, but as far as I can tell now with what information I have, I have had Pelvic Girdle Pain (PGP) with every pregnancy. Though some women have severe PGP bordering on disability during pregnancy that disappears upon giving birth, for me, the worst of it came when Baby G hit around 6 months out of the womb. I had already had some pelvic separation after Baby G’s birth that I spent months in physiotherapy to rehabilitate. After all that hard work, I thought my physical state was much better so I began to do more — but then my body began failing a little at a time. A back injury here. A wrist injury there. Back pain again. And again. And more pain. My neck and shoulders. My hips. My SI joint. My sit bones. And more injuries. After months of trying to just “take it a little easier” to try to heal, it got to the point where my body shut down so much that I could no longer drive or make food or do the dishes or pick up toys (let alone pick up kids!). I was in bed for hours and hours for weeks at a time as my body seemed to shut down more and more.

Thankfully, after many months of using my maternity salary to hire babysitters to help us during the day with the boys and lots of crying and soul searching and reading, I found what I was dealing with, kept googling until I found therapists that could help me get out of this mess, paid out buckets of money for professional help as I went to appointment after appointment, I am proud to tentatively and hopefully say that my body is healing.

As I write this, I think I am back to about 80% of my normal capacity. Sitting is still difficult. Rolling over in bed or putting kids in carseats or lifting kids or carrying a baby on me is still not back to normal. But I am proud of how far I have come and what I have learned over these nearly 5 months of confusion and pain and furstration and worry and despair.

Why am I telling you about this?

Well, that’s a weird one. I think part of why I wanted to write about my surprise disability is because pregnancy related PGP (sometimes called pubic symphysis diastasis) was something I’d never heard of. Since learning of it, most people I talk to are also clueless about it, even though I now know that a large portion of women with kids have actually experienced at least some mild form of PGP during their baby-bearing journeys at some point.

But the biggest reason I wanted to write about becoming temporarily disabled myself is because it has opened my eyes a lot more to only a small fraction of what Eloise has to deal with on a daily basis.

I have been learning the hard way that rest can sometimes make things worse, but pushing through the pain can also backfire. I have found there has to be a delicate dance of nutrition, fluids, supplements, treating the root issue, figuring out how my body works, developing body awareness, ensuring tissues get enough oxygen and blood flow, balancing upright vs on my back rest, calming my nervous system, working on breathing and relaxing to help my muscles stop tensing and guarding, noticing how everything works together, correcting misalignments, and re-training different muscles on how to work in different ways. And none of this was something I could do alone. I needed a whole host of professionals (I have worked with 8 over just these last few months!) to guide me.

And, through this time, I struggled a lot mentally. Especially at first and as time went on, I could not understand why my body was seemingly shutting down. I was so afraid I would never be the same physically. I felt a lot of guilt for leaving Brian mostly on his own. I was scared as I imagined a future where Brian would be on his own driving everyone around solo, lifting the kids alone, changing diapers, brushing teeth, picking out clothes, cleaning the house, doing laundry, fixing meals, all while still holding a fulltime job while I laid in bed, feeling useless. I know many parents (often women) do this stuff solo every day somehow with ease, but I never imagined I would abandon Brian to do it all on his own. (Or have enough money to pay for help around the clock to assist us.)

Finally, finally, I am in the rebuilding strength phase where I can mostly resume normal life. I cannot explain how good it feels to be a participant in my life once again rather than feeling like an observer on the sidelines. I can drive and sometimes lift (if I exhale first and engage my core) and

I went through so much self reflection in those weeks and months stuck in bed.

Who was I if I couldn’t do light household chores? Who was I if I couldn’t drive everyone around? Who was I if I couldn’t hold Eloise in my arms? Who was I if I couldn’t feed Baby G at mealtimes? Who was I if I couldn’t put K in a swing and turn out the lights to have a family dance party? How could I be a mom if I couldn’t do all the stuff I had decided was my job to do?

I think whoever called us “human being”s rather than “human doing”s was never been a parent. Because how could I be a Mom if I couldn’t “do” anything?

I would like to say that with all of that self reflection I am a new human with a new enlightened perspective. But I am afraid that would be a bold-faced lie. I definitely still partially define myself by what I can physically offer my family. However, I can tell you that through this, I have become very determined and focused on prioritizing my own health regardless of what is on daily schedule, because I have now seen that if I cannot take care of my body, then I cannot take care of our kids.

Life doesn’t owe us a house or a great job or health or kids or a loving partner or a safe neighborhood or a family where everyone gets along. But gosh, just having my health mostly back after I thought maybe I had lost it for good really gives me an even deeper gratitude for what we do have. For as long as we have it.

And, though I would not recommend anyone else to have their body mysteriously fail them while in the midst of raising 3 young kids, I am also grateful for how it has taught me to tune in to listen to my body and learn how to rehabilitate it kindly and slowly. Now that I have gone through some of this myself, I think I have a better understanding today how we can support Eloise as she develops.

Coming out of hiding to send you our love.

Mallory, Brian, Eloise, K, and Baby G

(By the way if hip or back or groin pain is something you’re dealing with during or after pregnancy, this UK website helped me identify my pelvic girdle pain and how to get help.)