Why our 2023 word needed its own budget

In September, Brian casually plopped down on the couch next to me. It was a really stressful season for us.

Brian started. “Hey. I just wanted to get your permission before I bought this thing.”

Over our 15+ years of marriage, we’ve always “asked permission” from the other before we buy a large ticket item. Not because we really need it, but moreso because sometimes the other one of us has a better idea or a perspective we’re missing that might be useful.

“What thing did you want to buy?” I asked, a little suspicious.

Brian then proceeded to tell me about a handheld gaming system he wanted, mentioning it would help him relax in the evenings, yada yada yada. I stopped listening as I felt my body tense up and my stress levels rise.

He paused for a moment and I cut in, sounding like a bratty 6-year-old.

“No. I don’t give you permission. You can’t buy it.” I spit out.

Brian’s face fell. “Wait. What?!?! But you know stress is an issue right now. I feel like you’re telling me you don’t care.”

We went on, arguing about his gaming system for another 15 minutes.

I was frustrated. He was hurt. Our conversation did not end well as I rushed off to do anything else but continue the discussion.

I knew I was acting childish but I felt totally justified — it’s not like we had an endless supply of money to spend. Plus, he’d just sold off his last handheld gaming system like 6 months before. What about our 2022 word “savor?” Regardless of my poor attitude, it was clear to me that I was right, he was wrong, and he was just going to have to grow up.

Fast forward to the next day.

Brian gently approached me. “I’ve been thinking about our discussion yesterday.”

I rolled my eyes immediately.

“Now hear me out. I realized that, at its core, we’re both right. But we’re missing the bigger problem,” he continued.

I paused. Almost curious — where was he going?

“I can sometimes get carried away, spending money on things that I think will bring me enjoyment. And it, understandably, makes you feel out of control, like there is no end in sight, because there is no set budget.”

Now he was talking sense.

“While I might seem to spend too much, on the flip side, you don’t spend money on yourself at all. Because your constant goal is to save money. You don’t prioritize your own self-care.”

Hmmmm. He had me there.

“Which is why I think we need a budget. Specifically, a self-care budget. The money will be set aside for us to ensure that we focus on investing in ourselves. Because we are going to have many seasons of extreme stress through the years, so we have to figure out how to take care of ourselves through those. Sure, the hard part for me will be working within that budget, but the hard part for you will be making sure you spend it.”

I paused to take it all in, stunned.

He was right.

We’ve done an incredible job at learning to savor over this past year, but it’s time to go beyond that. Brian and I both need to make sure we know what brings us relaxation and restoration. We need to get into the habit of prioritizing these things. And we need a budget to make sure it actually gets done.

Which is why Brian suggested that we add a new word for our 2023: self care.

So that’s our focus this year. And it will not be an easy task — for me, at least. But we’ve had some really really rough spots with Eloise and in our own lives this year — struggles and stress at work, losing friends. Storms and pain and trauma will continue to come, there’s nothing we can do to stop them. But what we can do is get better at figuring out how to take care of ourselves in the midst of this tough stuff.

Sure, I could quickly blow my budget on eating out or movie dates or spa days or manicures. But, if I really do some soul searching after any of these things, can I really truly say that they make me feel better afterwards? Do I feel restored? Do I feel relaxed? Do I feel like I’ve done something for myself that will give me energy for weeks?

See, it’s not so easy. This is going to be a struggle for me.

Which is why I’m beginning 2023 by asking for your help

What are your ideas? What activity or thing makes you feel whole, satisfied, relaxed, and restored after you’ve indulged?

I’d love to hear.

Hugs and things,

Mallory, Brian, and Eloise