Category: Struggles

Attending our first birthday party

Eloise and I went to our first birthday party together yesterday. Sweet little Lilli turned 2, and her mom is a fierce advocate of taking care of your mental health while parenting little humans. The party was a 45 minute drive from our home but I realized last minute that it was at a petting... Continue Reading →

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Two sides of the same coin

While training to be a counselor, a friend once said he learned never to assume you know what emotion someone has about an event. "Maybe a woman just lost her long time husband and you think, 'Gosh, I'm sorry, that must have been tough.' But you never know. Maybe he was a violent alcoholic and so her reaction was actually, 'Thank God he's gone. I'm finally free!'" So when you watch this video of Eloise, do you feel pity? Excitement? Or maybe even anger and frustration?

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Fundraising renovations for Eloise

If you know our story, you know we bought a fixer-upper home while we still didn't know if any of our fertility treatments would work. Our house was a project Brian and I could work on together whether or not our dream of having kids ever came true.

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She works so hard

This kid works so hard. It melts your heart. To help practice biting and chewing, we’ve started giving her a freshly baked cheese roll or cinnamon roll a few times a day. (God bless pre-frozen pastries and our air fryer that cooks them in minutes. 😍) These days she’s still refusing most food with her... Continue Reading →

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Project: Take a family vacation someday

I don’t know what it’s like to raise a “normal” kid but, gosh, sometimes it seems like something should be so simple but it’s really really not. In Estonia, the symbol of motherhood is a stroller (preferably a good stroller of the right brand or color) you use every single day — rain or shine... Continue Reading →

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I’m not the mom I’d envisioned

Sometime during my years growing from a child into an adult, I internalized the idea that I was never doing enough. Besides that -- I decided back then -- whatever I did do was never good enough. If I had a school project, it couldn't just be "good enough," it needed to be over-the-top amazing.... Continue Reading →

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Hospital miracles and redemption

We returned last night from our planned Tartu inpatient hospital stay. So. 👏 Much. 👏 Good. 👏 News. 👏 There's no way to easily explain it all in an instagram story or a tiny facebook post, so blogpost here we go!

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Living with seizures

I told Brian, "I think every seizure she has during a day diminishes my emotional/mental capacity by 5-10%." So, on some days like yesterday, when she had only one, I felt pretty okay. But on days like Friday, when she had 7, I felt pretty drained by the end of the day.

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Time to re-learn teamwork

I was going to write our 45 weeks update but this became something else. Back when Brian and I got married 14 years ago (yes, we're old) we had this thing. If there was a chore neither of us wanted to do, then we did it together. Dishes? Together. Laundry in the dark smelly basement?... Continue Reading →

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44 weeks: The seizure marathon

At times, I swear our life is a soap opera. It's like a strange telenovela written in a mold-infested basement by an author who lives off caffeine and cigarettes. So many unexpected twists and turns -- not all of them pleasant.

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Surviving one of our nightmares

Another seizure. This time longer. 40 minutes. In those moments, especially when Eloise gets a sudden breather for a half second before the seizures return and freeze her little body over and over, it’s heartbreaking. It feels like pain is all there is, and pain is all there will ever be. But I know tomorrow... Continue Reading →

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I want to choose her

At least once each day, as Brian holds Eloise, he pauses and turns his full attention to me. Then, with his voice breaking from the emotion of it, he says, "I know our baby girl has so many problems, but I wouldn't give this up. I would still choose this life with her even knowing... Continue Reading →

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36 Weeks: Trying to wait it out

It’s weeks like these that I am so enormously grateful that Brian is staying at home, too. Just last night as I was going to bed I looked over at him. “Brian, you staying at home with us has been a great decision.” “I completely agree. It was the right move.” Brian responded. “Can you imagine what it would be like if you were still working?” “It would be rough.” “I would not be okay mentally. I really wouldn’t. The amazing thing is that right now even in the midst of tough stuff, I actually feel like myself. I’m so grateful.”

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A threat we never saw coming

I wish I could say I am completely immune to looking for -- and preparing for -- danger in all the wrong places. That I'm somehow more mature and more wise and can magically predict the future. But, regardless how much I've tried to neutralize known threats when it comes to Eloise's health, it seems I have fallen into the same trap as mankind.

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35 Weeks: This was a rough one

This last week we put half-full bottle after half-full bottle in the fridge feeding after feeding throughout each day. And, every night, as we gazed at a refrigerator shelf full of untouched milk, Brian and I looked at each other with knots in our stomachs and concern on our faces. Considering just a week before she had a day where she ate more than I pumped, it was extremely worrying that nearly half of her milk was uneaten now. Something had to be wrong. Really really wrong.

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Control is an illusion

She's mostly not eating. Again. These last few days, increasingly it's felt like we've moved backwards in time to a few months ago when it was a constant struggle to get her to eat. When we needed to try every trick in the book to coax her to get close to enough milk in her... Continue Reading →

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No wonder…

There are fleeting moments where I think, “Mallory, all new parents struggle. What the heck is so hard that it takes two of you (plus asking for even more help) to take care of her? I mean, she’s just a baby. Babies have high needs, you knew that. Why do both of you need to... Continue Reading →

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A solid start to 6 months

Last night, before I went in to feed Eloise for the final time of the day, I peeked in at Brian who was sitting in our office on the couch. With this current diet, things you normally celebrate with —like cakes — are out of the question. So I’d set my mind on the idea... Continue Reading →

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Mom guilt 24/7

I’ve been realizing that everything I do with Eloise comes with a cost. If I’m rocking one thing, I’m failing at three others.

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Diagnosis day

Picture of a freshly-showered, hope-filled Mallory from earlier today. And a cute baby Eloise who had a wonderful, fairly calm and happy morning. Because we had no idea what was to come. Maybe we were in denial, but we never expected this.

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